the time is 10:48

Praise the Lord.

So last weekend, i packed up some clothes, my camera, my ipod, borrowed my sisters jeeped and headed south and then west. I got to see my wonderful friend, Rachel. It was a seven hour drive, but so worth the boring self, and traveling through glorious parts of creation.

As soon as i walked into her house, it was like we had just seen each other. We just sat down for a few hours and just caught up on everything. Friendships are a beautiful thing. It was an awesome week. Beautiful landscape and just great hanging out again.

Going through the pictures from the first month at Kona, and wondering why I didn’t take my camera out as much as i should of. I don’t have very many friend pictures, but then i look back on it and really think about what i was so focused on.

I was focused on my relationship with Christ, building on my own personal idenity in Christ, struggling not to be in a place of striving, meeting new people and just buidling those relationships. As for why i didn’t take more pictures of what was going on, well we were a group of photographers, so there was always some one that had there camera. Its just a matter of collecting from 50 different people for those moments that make it difficult.

But oh how i miss that place. The sights and smells. The walk up the stairs of death, the prayer room, the laughing of friends. Finding people in the dark, finding people in the day time, swimming in the pool late at night. All those memories are all up in my head.

Last night i got the chance to hang out with a friend from the DTS. She lives in red deer so we went to Livingstones Young Adults night at the church. It was really good.

God really spoke to me last night and just reminded me of how great he is and how much he has taught me over the last few months. I was standing there and all of the sudden i felt overwhelmed and just wanted to break down and cry. The same feeling i got whenever i entered the prayer room back in Kona. I never understood it then either, until last night. I just felt overwhelmed cause i was in a place where God’s spirit lives so vibrantly. I get overwhelmed being in the presence of God because he is so great and powerful. All my emotions just want to come out. Filled with joy, because im in a place of worship, sad cause i know how broken my heart is, filled with awe and wonder, sudden desire just to abaound everything and souly focus on Christ. What an amazing feeling. Being in the presence of God.

I spent the drive home just praising God for all the things he has done in my life, but also repenting on the things that i have forgotten. God has taught me so much about life, and about myself. Coming home and being home i’ve just been so overwhelmed with what to do next, friends, family, taking pictures, being in the word, finding a job, staying in touch with people back in kona and around the world, staying on top of daily devotions, but the more i want to do, the less motivated i become.

Im draining myself because my focus is no longer on God, and without God i truley can’t do anything. I need to repent because im starting to fall back into the way i used to live. In Greece i started the habit of going to Christ with everything first, instead of with the leaders and friends. Anything that was on my heart, i took it to God first. Since coming home, i’ve slowly been loosing that. And its disappointing because i don’t ever want to loose that closeness i felt with God back on DTS. I feel like i am.

Last night was a night full of grace and love. I just got to spend time with fellow Christians who are just as lost as i am, and be open with them. I was inspired by the speaker to just keep digging into the word, to keep discovering who Christ is. Because when we search with our whole heart, he will reveal himself to us little by little. There is so much more to know about him!

Then on the way home, he showed me his beauty through creation on more time. The northern lights were out on display, brighter then the nights before.

God you are good. You are worthy of it all because you died for me. I dont deserve to live, but your love and grace covers me. Like the blood of a lamb. I am yours.

well, to be compelelty honest, this had to have been the toughest week. 

At the beginning, after our leader left, it was exciting. Not because he left, but because he gave us some new encouragement. Since our team and location doesn’t have set ministries, he told us to go out and do whatever, because we can. So with that, I’ve been praying for ideas of what to do for minisitry. I was so pumped, a few weeks ago I had gotten an image about handing flowers out to the women in the shopping distrcit. Not just a flower, but a paper-hand-made flower. I went and learned how to make some cool flowers. But hadn’t had the time to make them or get my hands started on them, but here was my chance. 

It seemd like a cool idea, have a ministry and go with it. But because of that, i think it ran me dry. I broke down in tears on tuesday morning. I was missing home, and just feeling like i wasn’t connecting to the ministries. It was hard. 

So i had a one-on-one with my leader, and I really just got to talk and get it all out. It was cool. God spoke to me through her. I d been so caught up in doing what everyone else was doing, and i was upset that i wasn’t being more outgoing, or talking with more  people. But thats not me, i am good with people, yes, but in a different way. And what i really need to do is just seek first the kingdom of God, and rest in who God made me to be. Then i will be naturally doing ministry, and no longer striving. That night, the team headed to the church for intercession. It was good. I just sat and read the bible, just really looking at my identity, and just looking at who God created me to be, what my gifts are. As I searched and wrote down the answers, God just gave me more ideas for ministry. It was really cool. 

Ministry doesn’t have to be something extravagant, or big, it can be of the simplest things. Like buying someone a coffee for someone, talking to someone or just simple encouragement.

But since i had come to that realization. I missed the love of God. I went about each day, just looking for simple things to do, and if i wasn’t doing it, I wasn’t doing enough. And i come to ministry time with the team frustrated and unsure. Striving and upset. I felt like such a failure. And i just need Jesus time to know what was going on! My heart was breaking because I couldn’t just go and do all these things i wanted to do. I was then again reminded to just Rest in God! I mean, I was in the place of constantly going, and i felt like if i stopped doing ministry for a little while, my leaders would look down on me, and i felt i wasn’t doing enough. I broke down again on friday. And my team, oh my team, just reminded me again of how its simple, and that God is using me in different ways. 

I have been given so many ideas for ministry. And they are simple things i can do back home. This outreach has been so good because the things we do here, i can do at home, and get my friends involved, get my sisters to help me out. I pray that this week goes smoother, because we only have a few weeks left here, and i don’t want to miss out on more of the things God has in store for me. 

1 Thessalonians 2:8,12

John 15:10